The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
You Might Also Like
Awesome parenting 😂
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.