@RiotGrlErin

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

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@MomOnFire

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

@Marlebean

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

@FredTaming

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room

{ later at party }

man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING

me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful

@CaptainJerkwad

Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@TheNardvark

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

@ArfMeasures

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice