the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

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“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.


Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.


8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment


Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did


Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.


Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief


how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands


I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.