The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
You Might Also Like
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Clients after you give them your rates
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.