@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

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@muyrando

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@juliothesquare

One of the little birds that used to dress me in the morning just asked for a reference letter and it’s like mm don’t fully remember you tho

@brianbowman73

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

@yayraptor

interviewer: what is ur weakness?

me: follow up questions

interview: care to elaborate?

me: [quivers with fear]

@ashlar36

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

@cray_at_home_ma

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

@brianbowman73

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.