The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.