@UncleDuke1969: The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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@Lucifervor: [at a climate change conference] Scientist: What have YOU done to prevent global warming? Me: bro I made the change from spicy nacho to cooler ranch Doritos
@OakHill_: Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
@KentWGraham: I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
@theshantilly: Him: What are you doing? Me: Tweeting. Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time. Me: *stare* Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*