The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.