The dogs are drawn by their screams.

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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money


Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.


*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.


*my left eyebrow falls off*


I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I’m going to have to read it upside down.


When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.


I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.


The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.

And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work


I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.