The dogs are drawn by their screams.
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Twitter fine art
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK