The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge