@IamEveryDayPpl

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

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@GingerHotDish

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

@OnMyFirebolt

Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person.

Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.

@mimicz

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

@brynnester

Grim Reaper: I have come for you

Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it

@mynameisntdave

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

@Parentpains

After placing me in charge of training new employees I can’t help but question my companies’ commitment to success.