the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.