the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.