The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
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If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It do be feeling this way.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
🙂🙃🥹
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.