@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

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@BoomBoomBetty

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@Paul_Eaton1

Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.

@SoulYodeler

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

@BruceForce

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@slaughthie

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

@sixfootcandy

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.