@reesespiece_

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

- @reesespiece_

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@yoopnative

“Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep.”

-Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.

@s8n

*Satan reading the bible for the first time*

Satan in tears : well that was mean

@TylerFoFyler

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

@KimmyMonte

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@ErinEph

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

@SomeChrisTweets

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

@Jeffwni

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

@_Tempo11

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.