Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.