The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?