The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
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the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
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*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Human are so complicated