The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop