The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My neck my back my allergy attack
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I can’t deal with men any longer
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”