The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
water it, i dare you
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.