When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?