The glory of fall.
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
(Jupiter –
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Flock of bats
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop