[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”