The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Sounds like a bargain
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”