The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life