@moose_chocolate

The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.

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@krisv_723

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

@JessCarpWrites

I don’t know why people say bedtime for kids is hard. All I have to do is make sure the room’s exactly 71.3 degrees, give 3 hugs, 1.5 kisses, read 11 bedtime stories, come up with a Broadway musical on the spot, tuck them in, & leave for 5 minutes before bringing them to my bed.

@TheCatWhisprer

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

@iGreenGod

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

@baronvonbike

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@JB4Realz

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

@iamblackmamba76

A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.