@noogscorner

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

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@sickipediabot

My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like,

“You’re five years old? When I was your age, I was six”

@nbadag

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

@JimmyTheThing

Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.

@UnicornSyrup

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

@nigelgodwin

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

@Mr_Kapowski

Mother Earth: Whose fault is this?

*tectonic plate brothers point at each other*

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.