@jwoodham Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
@noogscorner The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
- @noogscorner
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@jwoodham 
@bonniemcfarlane My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
@caseytduncan Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
@batsVsupes 
@MrSandeepP This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
@thenatewolf Scientist: our large brains are what allows us to survive so successfully
10,000 Year Old Tree: k
@tastefactory Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
@dafloydsta When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
@BoogTweets Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*