The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
accurate
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
haha same
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife