@AndyAsAdjective

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

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@james_comics

me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

@Aikiwomannc

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

@just1fool

Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!

@david8hughes

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@Kate_Goldsmith

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

@momtribevibe

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

@ItsMeAshleyWee

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.