me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests
cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn’t have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn’t make so much god damn noise!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.