The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.