The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
You Might Also Like
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open