me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”