Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
You Might Also Like
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
This rocks
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!