@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

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@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@lovemydogduck

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

@BreneBrown

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@chuckconry

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

@Kids_kubed

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

@Jamberee13

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

@junejuly12

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*