Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*pronounces fake like saké*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Last-minute gift idea!
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”