The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate