(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Just parrot things
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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