i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
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Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor’s yard to cut it down is an art.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.