The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it