Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Beware of the dog..
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
All food is good if you spell it wrong
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”