My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Baller is short for ballerina
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you