[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
The biggest mystery of our time
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking