what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.