The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
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Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Sending in my taxes
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.