@IamJackBoot

The eighth habit of highly effective people.

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@simoncholland

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

@LifeUnPinterest

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

@jenlaw_11

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.