Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*
“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”
*slams hands down*
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
People buying plungers never look happy.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.