God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car