Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The Onion called it…again.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.