The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
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In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The old gods are rising again.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.