The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.


“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth


[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.


Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]


Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.


[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*


Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.


I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*