The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
*cough*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing