@Carbosly

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

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@enigmaterics

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@TheAlexP

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

@LizerReal

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

@HatfieldAnne

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

@dave_cactus

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

@Shreyayayy

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

@Smooheed

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*