The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.