@WineMummy: Sure laying me down on a "Bed of Roses" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

@TwinSurvivalist: The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@amandajpanda: I've been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

@hazelmotes1: *Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it.

@RealSugarFree: In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.