@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

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@djdarrellripley

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

@imteddybless

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

@allycondie

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

@DrunksWithGuns

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

@ArfMeasures

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

@aksorojas

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

@TheMomAtLaw

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.