@amandajpanda

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

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@Bob_Janke

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

@causticbob

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

@shipwrecksean

I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga

@JasonCarney31

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

@mishacollins

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

@PleaseBeGneiss

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

@chelliet22

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

@bobvulfov

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die