Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
What if the weather talks about us?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.