The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
This kinda thing happens to me often
Did my cat write this
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.