@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

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@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@SteveSuckington

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@Alex_N_Chains

I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.

@pakalupapito

sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@SEvans_author

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@iamspacegirl

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO