@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

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@ddsmidt

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

@Sarcasticsapien

The best thing about going on a date with a sarcastic person is that no matter what happens they’re going to tell you they had a great time.

@JebTheJarhead

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

@dshack8

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

@eff_yeah_steph

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

@NicCageMatch

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

@sageboggs

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.