The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

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Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat


*octopus goes in for a palm reading*



Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.


I had my appendix taken out as a child. They said it was useless, but based on my life since then, I’m guessing it controls motivation.


sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation


Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve


[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.


inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO