The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children