@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

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@MrJeberling

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

@ParanoidParker

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

@WheelTod

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

@HeyZeus666

Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@RunOldMan

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

@TheBoydP

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

@GoddessTitty

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.