The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

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What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think



Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”


Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.


I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.


[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy


[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?


My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass


When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.


I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.