the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
won’t smith
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made