The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
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*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Mhm.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?